Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
