he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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