Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
My pussy is not your playground.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
