I can text with my tongue
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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