During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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