Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
