So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
