So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
