I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Randomize
