Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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