I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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