Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
