i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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