My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I want a musical about memes.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
