Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
