I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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