Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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