I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
