turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
