When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
