so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
