i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
