a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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