Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
The struggles of a small town man whore
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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