My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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