NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
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The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
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Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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