I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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