Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
