I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
