I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
