new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
