im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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