His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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