I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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