so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
