before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
