it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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