Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
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I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
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Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
you never un-have a 4some
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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