i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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