I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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