im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
he laminated a picture of his dick.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
