Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Randomize
