I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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