i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
this boner is exhausting
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Randomize
