A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
