Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
