i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
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