she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
