my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
