Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
