If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
