i barfeds in our rink
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
