Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
im having a threesome with these popsicles
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
