I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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