Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
