He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
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