Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
