you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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