Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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