yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
