I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
