I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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