Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
